Second Chances

A little over a year ago when I wrote my original blog post entitled “Broken Vessel” I had no idea what my future held, but I had faith that God knew. I can describe my last year in stages:

·      Survival (November 21, 2015—Late January, 2016) – This stage is horrific in reflection, but I was in a safe place. As I was ushered from one hospital gown to another I was blessed with strength and good faith beyond my own, and a certain vagueness. Like going through the motions. My body was present, but my spirit was elsewhere.

·      Solutions (February—July) – Topimax, an anti-seizure drug, was introduced to my system. I am grateful I went on it, but it had a strange effect on my mind. I began forgetting very important things, like my own age. It was agony being paralyzed daily with hemiplegic migraines, and topimax helped, but I desired a healthy mind. Meanwhile, I was in the process of completely changing my diet because of MTHFR and my body’s inability to detox. (Infections and skin sores came as my body was trying to get rid of toxins.) I was slowly introducing good supplements, vitamins, and minerals into my body in hopes to rebuild a broken empire. During this time some INTENSE soul-searching was taking place. I was forced to let go of outcomes and learn to live hour-by-hour, forgiving and asking forgiveness as I went. I am so grateful for the countless prayers and people who served during that time. I began physical therapy and eventually felt like the drug was diminishing my progress; as it opened my constricted blood vessels, it also made physical exertion and conditioning incredibly difficult. (There were 80-year-olds with hip replacements that kicked my trash on the exercise bike!) After prayer and consulting with my doctors I began to get off the medication. For four months my body had relied so heavily on the drug that getting off it was agony…there are no words to describe that torture and suffering. After getting off my medication I began tracking my “triggers” and learned I need (present tense) to eat an extremely clean diet, sleep at least 8-10 hours a night, live on a schedule, take my supplements, and I can enjoy a medication-free and hemiplegic migraine-free life. Huge blessing.

·      Breaking Point – In December our baby boy was diagnosed with Torticollis Deformational Plagiocephaly (the same thing our daughter had experienced as an infant). I am grateful I had learned earlier that a positive outcome was possible. In March my husband had a basketball injury and underwent major knee surgery. It was a trifecta tear and incredibly painful for him. I began to get extreme anxiety after his accident because I felt I couldn’t function without his help. But it wasn’t until July, after our five-year-old broke his arm at a ward party, that I truly felt a breaking point. It was the "straw that broke the camels back". We had already paid around $10,000.00 in medical bills in six months and I honestly felt like my beloved Heavenly Father had closed the door and we were going to suffer through hard things the rest of our days. I was in this place for about a month. I was so angry at everything! I was mad my doctors for advising me not to have any more children. I was mad at everyone I loved for not understanding, and I felt stuck in my new reality. Broken-hearted, I mourned for my imagined future and almost felt the song in my soul shriveling like a raisin. Luckily, I never stopped praying, studying my scriptures, recording my daily blessings in my journal, attending church and the temple regularly, and playing music. These habits were engrained in me before my crisis and they rescued me in my trial of faith. I also talked with my Grandpa, who is a professional counselor and sealer in the Boise temple. In time I realized that I was the one who had closed the door. After a couple weeks I repented, forgave, and asked forgiveness (again!), and pressed forward with a firm hope.

·      Climbing – (August – October) With a broken heart and contrite spirit I began climbing. I felt God’s love and saw His children with new eyes. Perhaps I was more open to receiving. I was never really alone. I began homeschooling my Kindergartner during this time. It brought so much joy into our home! We got into a routine and schedule again, which felt good. We began learning together and every day became (and still is) an exciting adventure! Our family grew closer than ever. I am so grateful for the promptings to homeschool. In August, I performed a song with some dear friends in stake conference. The words penetrated: “Chasten my soul till I shall be, in perfect harmony with thee. Make me more worthy of thy love, and fit me for the life above.” My soul had been chastened and I was singing in harmony with the heavens again.

·      Healing and Living (Present) - Would you believe it if I told you I was healed like the woman in the Bible who had an issue of blood? Would you believe that it took 333 days for a promise in a priesthood blessing to be fulfilled? Would you believe me if I testified that Jesus Christ, of whom the New Testament speaks, lives? I believe it. He does live, and nearly dying showed me how to live. I will always have a friend in my Father in Heaven. My Savior, Jesus Christ, knows what I felt in my dark hours and I am eternally grateful. I have learned to forgive and ask forgiveness. I work on repenting and loving better. I focus on the people within the walls of my home, and my temple covenants. I take thoughtful care of the body I have been given; it is my offering, my way of showing that the struggles of 2016 are not wasted on me. There are still difficulties, and my physical body is very sensitive now, but I have a wonderful feeling…“The wonderful feeling that, after all he [she] has suffered, there is nothing he [she] need fear any more—except his [her] God.” - Viktor E. Frakl

My story is not over. In fact, I’ve been given a second chance, and I am so grateful. “Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn of me: for I am meek and lowly in heart: and ye shall find rest unto your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light." - Matthew 11:28-30