Tender Heart

I was participating in a funeral recently and the grandson offered an opening prayer. He said, "please bless those with tender hearts." I loved his thoughtful words, and felt the prayer calm my tender heart.

One of the most sacred hours I have experienced on this earth was the hour my beloved Grandma passed. I had learned the night before that she wasn't doing well and would probably leave this earthly existence soon. After I hung up the phone I sobbed loudly and angrily alone in my car. Eventually I went inside and wrote a letter of gratitude to her. While writing the letter I realized that she would be reunited with her mother, who had passed away when she was eight years old, and I felt a measure of peace, and happiness for her. The following morning I was scheduled to play "I Need Thee Every Hour" in church. My performance was a simple prayer and statement to the Lord that I needed Him every hour. After playing I felt like we needed to leave church right after sacrament meeting and go to my Grandma's home. Kind people filled in for my other duties with only minutes notice. 

We arrived at my Grandma's home and my three-year-old son said he wanted to come see Great-Grandma so we left my husband and the sleeping babe in the car, and knocked on the door with violin and letter in hand. My cousin, who was caring for Grandma, came to the door. She had made sure Grandma was comfortable then had gone and taken a nap. 

She showed me back to Grandma's room and as I entered I felt as if I had walked onto sacred ground. A Mormon Tabernacle Choir CD entitled "Heavensong: Music of Contemplation and Light" was playing. Ashely went to one bedside and I stood on the other. I held her hand and it was warm. Ashley tried to wake her, and when she couldn't she felt her pulse. Ashely said, "Oh my gosh, she's gone," and then went to call the nurse, family, and funeral services. My son said, "Great-Grandma is sleeping," and I took him out to my husband and asked him to take the kids to lunch. Then I went back inside, got out my violin, and played "I Need Thee Every Hour" followed by "God Be With You Till We Meet Again". Technically I was alone in the room now, but I felt a beautiful and vast audience there. In fact, I felt that it was the most important performance of my life. I felt as if I was serenading her into the next life, and it was most precious. I was then able to read her my letter and hold her still-warm hand, telling her how much she meant to me.

Then I turned back on "Heavensong" and sat with her as many people came in and out of the room. It was remarkable to see the family members that arrived, all at their own time, most without even knowing she had passed. I knew that God had orchestrated that hour, and everyone's path through her front door. I felt like I was in a celestial sphere and could not leave. Finally, when the mortuary came, my Aunt Marilyn and I played a violin and piano duet of "Amazing Grace" in the front room, the same song that would be played at her funeral days later, as she left her beloved home for the last time.

In the week following there was lots of family, tears, and one of the best funeral services I have ever attended. I felt angels, both earthly and heavenly, at that time. As the weeks past and the snow came I felt a sense of mourning I have never experienced. Each day she would come to my mind and there would be a stab of pain so intense I would gasp. Until that time, I did not understand the meaning of the word, "grieve." To grieve implies deep mental suffering often endured alone and in silence. It is an experience that time heals slowly. It is okay to have a tender heart. There will be people who will not understand and they are still good.

I write this today to bear my witness of life after death. Those who leave us on earth are not really gone. They are still with us, watching over us and caring for our needs in a different way. They may even love us more now than they did in their limited mortal body because they can see us clearly, and to love another is beautiful. There are more with us than against us.  

"Thus, we prepare all the days of our lives, and, as we grow, death loses its sting, hell loses its power, and we look forward to that day with anticipation and joy when [Christ] will come in His glory."
F. Enzio Busche



"I believe we move and have our being in the presence of heavenly messengers and of heavenly beings. We are not separate from them...We are closely related to our kindred, to our ancestors...who have preceded us into the spirit world. We cannot forget them; we do not cease to love them; we always hold them in our hearts, in memory, and thus we are associated and united to them by ties that we cannot break...If this is the case with us in our finite condition, surrounded by our mortal weaknesses,...how much more certain it is...to believe that those who have been faithful, who have gone beyond...can see us better than we know them...We live in their presence, they see us, they are solicitous for our welfare, they love us now more than ever. For now they see the dangers that beset us;...their love for us and their desire for our well being must be greater than that which we feel for ourselves." Joseph F. Smith

Immitating Greatness

I have stood at the top of the Empire State Building, Space Needle, and Eiffel Tower. While these views are impressive, none have made as deep an impression on me as standing on the highest point of the Swiss Alps. Man can build pyramids, but God created Mount Everest. Man can build stadiums, while God created the Grand Canyon. In all my travels God's majestic creations have reigned supreme. And of all of these magnificent creations we are His greatest. You and I. His children. As you look into the mirror you are looking into the eyes of Heaven's crowning creation. Our potential for growth and progression is beyond our comprehension.

We are more than the pyramids, we are greater than the Grand Canyon, we are "MORE THAN ENOUGH.1" Yes, all of our vessels are a little broken, tattered and worn, but only temporarily. The Lord can heal our hearts and take us to higher ground if we only ask. "Yea, thou art merciful unto thy children when they cry unto thee, to be heard of thee and not of men, and thou wilt hear them.2"

"Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.3"



1. Dr. Robert Jones and Bryce Dunford, I Am More than Enough
2. Alma 33:8
3. Marrianne Williamson

Mulberry Street

Whether you live on Mulberry Street, Birch Avenue, or Holdrege Lane you will have discouragement at one time or another. No one is exempt.

I felt like a broken mother this month. Expecting our third child, I am tired and feel like the superpower of doing everything for everyone has left me.  My house is too messy and my meals are not adequate.  I’m sure my children aren’t learning enough or having enough adventures to stimulate their growing minds. These and other worries have bounced around in my head all hours of the day and night.

Then one day a very simple answer came like a great wave…”LOVE”!

Love will fill in the cracks right now. God loves my little family. The assurance that God loves His children can make darkness into light. I began recognizing the simple goodness that was happening around me. I love my husband and children. My children are happy and play together. They go on their own grand adventures without leaving our house. We sing, eat snacks, read books, and take naps. We love each other.

Everything I have learned this moth can be summed up in a simple math equation:

God’s Love + Good Imagination = Beautiful Life

God’s love filled my spirit and woke up my mind, and even though imagination is a noun, it became my action verb. With very limited amounts of energy, I made my children’s day from the couch. It is possible! Imagination by definition is the faculty or action of forming new ideas, images, or concepts of external objects not present to the senses. It is the ability of the mind to be creative or resourceful.

“For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 1 Timothy 1:7

A sound mind does not fear; it is clear and resourceful. Heavenly Father is not a God of discouragement, but of encouragement. The hymn doesn’t read, “There is beauty all around ONLY WHEN the dishes are done.” I live in beautiful space. Within my home imagination soars and we treat each other with kindness. There is beauty in my home.

“There is beauty all around

When there’s love at home;

There is joy in ev’ry sound

When there’s love at home.

Peace and plenty here abide,

Smiling sweet on ev’ry side.

Time doth softly sweetly glide

When there’s love at home.

Kindly heaven smiles above

When there’s love at home;

All the world is filled with love

When there’s love at home.

Sweeter sings the brooklet by;

Brighter beams the azure sky.

Oh, there’s One who smiles on high

When there’s love at home.”

-John Hugh McNaughton

The Earring

 I was a frantic senior in college, living on smiles and frozen burritos. A dear friend, Alisa, had recently returned from China and brought back some souvenirs. She gave me a pair of earrings that I immediately liked and wore often. One morning, shortly after she had given them to me, I lost one. I was very disappointed, and said a small prayer. I didn’t kneel, or even close my eyes, but in my mind I said, “Father in Heaven, please help me find that earring.” I searched the music building, but to no avail. I then went about my day, working hard, trying to use my time wisely and efficiently, and keeping my eyes open for a little dangly earring. At the end of the day I returned home, probably around 7:30 pm, and realized my cupboards were bare. I made a quick trip to the grocery store. As I was walking toward the produce aisle, a fellow music major, El, stopped me, “Is this your earring?” she asked. In her hand was the earring from Alisa’s China trip. “How did you find that?” I asked earnestly. The story that followed was shocking; my earring had passed through four different hands that day to find it’s way to me at 8:00 that night.    


This is a simple tale, but through it I learned great lessons. I felt God’s love. I realized a Great Being in the heavens cared about a simple girl from Idaho. My faith increased and my heart filled with gratitude. I have since offered up many prayers that are only in my thoughts, but directed to God, and I truly feel that He listens. 

I have thought of the experience and wondered, “Why wasn’t I the one who found the earring? I’m sure I could have been led to it while I was searching.” But that is not what I was supposed to learn. It is often through another that the Lord answers our prayers. And some things are completely out of our control. We have to let them go, move on, and trust that life isn’t against us. All things are working together for our good. We have seen and unseen angels caring for our needs and desires and a loving Father in Heaven who wants us to be happy.   


“… and men are, that they might have joy.” 2 Nephi 2:25


“For God, who commanded the light to shine out of darkness, hath shined in our hearts, to give the light of the knowledge of the glory of God in the face of Jesus Christ. But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us. 

 
We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed; For our light afflictions, which but for a moment, worketh for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory. While we look not at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen: for the things which are seen are temporal; but the things which are not seen are eternal." 2 Corinthians 4

A Virtuous Vessel

It was late in the year of 2013 and I was standing on my bathroom scale looking down at the numbers. Tears began to well up in my eyes. I was overweight, discouraged, and my self-esteem was at an all–time low. In my moment of despair these words came to my mind, “Give the numbers to Me. Focus on becoming a virtuous vessel.”

I recorded the words in my journal and prayed daily for help to become a virtuous vessel. I had not realized that my Savior’s Atonement applies to the struggles of insecurity, along with redeeming power from my sins. A vessel defined in the dictionary is a person regarded as a holder or receiver of something, especially something non-material. Virtue is defined as moral excellence, goodness, and righteousness. Vessels come in all shapes and sizes.

I was reading the Ensign a few months later and came across an article written by Bradly D. Foster.  His words penetrated my heart. I chose my favorite sentences and grouped them together in three small paragraphs, then I taped the following to my cupboard above my washer. Each time I folded laundry I read these encouraging words:

“Our lives are changed daily by the incorrect decisions of others, by our own poor judgment, by the laws of nature, and by unforeseen circumstances in a world that was never designed to be fair.
Sometimes we will face things for which there is no earthly explanation. In those moments we need to erect a sign that reads, ‘Quiet: God at work.’ Meanwhile, hold on, child of God. Keep believing. Don’t quit. Don’t give up. Let God do His work in you. The greatest tragedy is to miss what God wants to teach us through our troubles.
We must trust in Him, make the most of each moment, and use our talents and gifts to improve our lives and serve others. Fear not. Be of good cheer. The future is as bright as your faith.” – Bradly D. Foster (March 2014 Ensign)

God did His work in me. As I received goodness and guidance from Heavenly Father my outlook began to change. I started to love myself again. I felt good when I exercised and I tried to re-gain control of my eating habits. Self-care became relevant to me and I began taking vitamins that were good for my health. It’s interesting that when I was depressed my outside appearance was my biggest concern, meanwhile my insides, both physically and spiritually, were a mess. As I slowly experienced a nature change my physical and spiritual well being began to improve, and over time my outsides began to show it. A year and a half later, I feel like I am glowing with health and radiance from my inside out, and I know that it is because I have become a true follower of Jesus Christ.